Heads Up!

This post may contain lots of controversial material. You do not have to agree with what is said, of course. The only requirement is respect. I have retired public discourse for this topic because everyone I have talked to has either conceded their points or has agreed to disagree. That being said, if you would like to talk about this, I am open to privately messaging about it! I love to chat, as long as both sides remain respectful, do NOT invalidate any identities, and do NOT misgender anyone.

The Premise

The subject of Non-Binary Sexuality started running amuck on my Twitter feed when I stated that I was gay. It started so much discourse and fighting that I am in fact sorry I ever mentioned it. But, if everyone else gets to speak their truth, so can I.

This article will be split into three sections. In the first section, I will explore the question “Who is attracted to non-binary people?”. I have interviewed people of varying sexualities and gender identities to help me answer this question. The second section will be about my own sexuality: who I am and why I am gay. The last section will be some closing ideas that bring these two topics together to explain why it is best that the world allows non-binary people to label their own sexuality. 

SECTION I – Who is attracted to non-binary people?

At first, this question may seem a bit odd. I get asked it all of the time, and I wonder why. Why does it matter? And, why is it so one-sided; people never ask me who I, as a non-binary person, am attracted to! I realized that having one word or phrase that describes your sexuality is a PRIVILEGE. Men that love men have the word gay, women that love women have the word lesbian, and people that love both sexes or genders have the word bisexual, etc. What is someone that is attracted to non-binary people suppose to call themselves? Furthermore, I realized that everyone assumes that since non-binary people have no gender and/or experience both genders, we all are bisexual, which is not always true.

In order to figure out who was attracted to non-binary people, I asked some volunteers the following questions:

1) When you’re sexually attracted to someone, who is it usually? 2) Do you base your sexuality on your gender or your biological sex? 3) Have you ever been attracted to a non-binary person? If so were they masc, femme, or androgynous? 4) Do you think your sexuality changes if you are attracted to a non-binary person?

• For the sake of presenting results, the term “gay” will be used in the historical context as being synonymous to “homosexual”, as in men attracted to men and women attracted to women.
• Also, obviously this is not a scientific study, but this is a survey of random people within the community to help me get a better understanding of what is going on.

Question 1 – When you’re sexually attracted to someone, who is it usually?

• 100% of straight people said answered the opposite sex only.
• 100% of gay people said they were attracted to the same sex/gender and also to non-binary people that displayed characteristics of their same sex/gender.
• 33% of bisexual people said binary men and women only, and 66% of bisexual people said binary men and women as well as non-binary people.

Niamh (@niamhmarie_ot) says shes “definitely [attracted to] women, or at least someone fem presenting”.

What I’ve deduced from the answers to this question is that straight people are less likely to be attracted to a non-binary person. It is more likely that gay people will be attracted to a nonbinary person displaying characteristics of their same gender, followed by bisexual people. I also learned that not all bisexual people are attracted to non-binary people. Some bisexual people are only attracted to other binary people.

Question 2 – Do you base your sexuality on your gender or your biological sex?

• 100% of people, regardless of sexual orientation, answered “gender“. 100% of the people that answered were also binary people.

 Hamsterhater420 says “If I was attracted solely to men, women or enbies, I’d still base my sexuality around my gender because I feel I pass 100% as male and anyone mutually attracted or interested would only ever see me as such”.

Sean (plutodevotee) says “I tend to lean toward men (cis and trans) but obviously I like women and nb too”.

It is plain and simple that sexuality is based on the gender binary. There is very little language that is catered to non-binary people.  How can we use gender to label our sexuality when we don’t have one? Furthermore, if we decided to label our sexuality based on sex, that would be seen as transphobic because this would be excluding pre-op trans people. Though words like androphilia (sexual attraction to men or masculinity) and gynephilia (sexual attraction to women or femininity) exist, these are terms used by behavioral science professionals and are not everyday words used by the general public, so most people don’t even know what they mean. 

Question 3 – Have you ever been attracted to a non-binary person? If so were they masc, femme, or androgynous?

• 100% of straight people said yes but said it was very rare. It was only possible if the non-binary person was presenting as binary and of the opposite sex (not androgynously) and had the genitalia of the opposite sex.

Arthur (Tokorokis) says “For me [a straight man], I have genital preferences… so I’m only attracted to AFAB people”.

• 100% of gay people said yes. 50% of these people said they were attracted to non-binary people who presented as their same gender, and 50% of these people said they were attracted to non-binary people who presented as their same gender or androgynously. 25% of these people said genitalia mattered, while 75% didn’t care.
• 33% of bisexual people said yes. 66% said no.

Adam (nevechiel) says “I’ve never really been attracted to an NB person (mostly because I do not have a lot of NB people around me).

Hamsterhater420 says “I think I’m different from a lot of bi people though in that I’m not attracted to genuine androgyny or nb people”.

Caleb (boyrotting) says “The only reason I was attracted to an nb person was because they [displayed male qualities], but when they told me they were nb it does make me feel like I shouldn’t find them attractive because I’m gay and attracted to men”.

Based on these answers, we can see that straight people are rarely attracted to non-binary people. If they are, the non-binary person has to be presenting in a binary manner which is similar to that of the opposite sex. On the contrary, gay people are more likely to be attracted to a non-binary person that is presenting as their same gender or even androgynously. One thing I noted was that most bisexual people were only attracted to the binary genders. 

Question 4 – Do you think your sexuality changes if you are attracted to a non-binary person?

• 100% answered no. 

Sam (xohesitant) says “I would describe my attraction as something that’s heavily weighted on males and/or masculinity, but there is definitely an attraction to females and non-binary people, just not as much. If I’m attracted to an nb person I’d most likely still say I’m gay”.

Finn (nnnniiff) says “I never thought mine did but I suppose it could depending on the person and what they identified as beforehand”.

Niamh (@niamhmarie_ot) says “I don’t think you necessarily need to change your label or anything, but sexuality is complex and not black and white? So you may not be the gayest or the straightest, but that doesn’t mean you’re not straight or not gay? But If you feel that you are attracted to a specific mix of secondary sex characteristics and you feel the need to label it I can understand that”.

As you can see, everyone agrees that just because you are attracted to a non-binary person, it does not mean your sexuality changes. Gay men have been attracted to masculine non-binary people and this makes sense because being gay is more than being attracted to a penis. The gay man is attracted to the masculine traits of a non-binary person, not feminine traits so why would this person be anything other than gay?

In conclusion, anyone can be attracted to a non-binary person, but, according to everything I learned above and based on my own personal experiences, it is more likely that a gay and bisexual people are attracted to them. It is also unfair to assume that all bisexual people would date a non-binary person because some bisexual people are only attracted to binary people.

SECTION II – Why I Consider Myself Gay

As I mentioned above, the start of this entire discourse on my Twitter timeline stemmed from me and my partner Parker calling ourselves gay. I am non-binary so I do not have a gender. I can not use gender when it comes to sexuality, and using my sex would be transphobic because it invalidates gay transmen and lesbian transwomen. So, what am I left to do? I can only use my expression.

As a transmasculine person my gender expression is opposite/other than a woman, so if I were with a woman that would feel very heterosexual. Remember, the word “gay” also just means homosexual; though it is commonly used for men, it does not inherently assume anyone’s gender, while words like “lesbian” for example, do! Historically, this word has been used as an umbrella term for men or women who experience same-sex/gender attraction.

I am gay because I am homosexual. Homosexuality means being attracted to people of the same sex or gender. Biologically speaking, I am transmasculine. Transmasculine means an AFAB person who is transitioning into a more masculine identity. While most of the time it is FTM, it is not exclusively such, and a non-binary AFAB person on males hormones would also be considered transmasculine. Though I am genderless, this is just the truth I will have to face in order to live more comfortably in my physical body. I am sexually and romantically attracted to men (regardless of their biology or genitalia) and androgynous people as well. If I was with a woman, I would consider myself straight because I am not a woman by gender and I will not be 100% female after hormones and surgery. I’ll actually be more male, biologically.

I got into discourse over this with a twitter friend, Connor (@briam_sella). Here is a bit of how that conversation went!

Connor: Hey! I just wanted to know if we could have more of a chat about being gay and nb—only if you want. I want to make sure I understand. I’m not here to argue or anything like that, just trying to wrap my head around the concept. This topic is just one I, as a binary trans person, have a hard time understanding. I’m trying to understand it in my terms when I should be trying to understand it in your terms.

Me: Basically, I was born female (surprise?! LOL) but I never was a girl, as I was assigned at birth. I’ve always been super androgynous in style and I sometimes got in trouble as a young person because my parents would say things about gender and me being a girl and how what I was doing was wrong. But, my brain literally could not comprehend it. I’ve never thought of gender in relation to myself, though I totally get how gender works for others. No matter who I am in a relationship with, my character traits are always that more typical to men or masculine people. Cishet men have literally broken up with me because they felt like they were in a relationship with a man.

My gender is non-binary, absolutely, and I could never seriously say I was male/man; using words like dude, bro, etc. are pet names that don’t affect me because body wise, I am transmasculine. In fact, these words help alleviate dysphoria because it can feel very neutralizing when juxtaposed with my female body.

The easiest way I can put this is by giving an example. Let’s say I am post op, right? My chest will be unapparent. I will not have ovaries. Female secondary sex traits will not be apparent. I will have similar secondary sex traits as a male. Being non-binary sucks because I can’t MAKE my body non-binary, ya know? I can only try to find neutrality, and for me, surgeries similar to what FTM have will make my body neutral. That being said, if I’m with another guy, not only will we be presenting in the same way, but my body will be much more similar to a male than a female, and that’s why when I’m with guys it feels very gay. I have little to nothing in common with a woman. Does that make a little more sense?

Connor: Yeah, it does, actually! Because you identify more masculinely & post-op you will be more masc, being with a dude is gay to you. Personally, gay seems like a binary term, but I completely get how it isn’t to you. Saying it’s a binary term is just how I think, because I haven’t ever, and will not ever, experience things as you, an nb person, does. But if being in a relationship with a man in gay to you, is being in a relationship with a woman straight to you? Just wondering! 

Me: Yes~! So I totally feel straight if I’m into a girl. I don’t see homosexual as so much of a binary term because it just means same/similar while heterosexual means opposite/other than. If someone called me a lesbian I would freak because it means woman + woman. If someone called me a gay man, I would also freak out too! But, the term gay itself does not bother me because it does not imply gender, though I do recognize that gay also (and commonly) means a man that is attracted to another man.

Connor: Yeah I agree, it’s for both men and women. I guess I just thought that because you’re neither the terms didn’t apply to you.

Me: Technically speaking, none of these terms apply to me, so you are right! As a non-binary person, we are forced to use what feels right because not much language was created with us in mind. Imagine if I had to give this long explanation to everyone I meet? It would be hell, haha!

Connor: Yeah I totally get that! Self-expression is the most important and using whatever terms feel right shouldn’t be looked down upon. Thanks for explaining!

SECTION III – Closing Ideas

All in all, it is imperative that we, as a community, let non-binary people use language to the best of their ability and as they see fit. There are plenty of terms and phrases that I, as a non-binary person, do not agree with, but if it works for the majority of the world, which is binary, who am I to say it’s wrong? My truth is very different than the truth of a binary person.

Forcing non-binary people to use terms like androphilia or gynephilia is not fair. If the non-binary person is comfortable and identifies with those terms, that’s great! However, many non-binary people feel “otherized” by those terms. They are not used in everyday life, and it can be an awkward situation trying to explain. For convenience, many non-binary people chose to use existing, commonly known terms so they can blend in and move on with their daily life. Some non-binary people don’t label their sexuality at all but then are also accused of just wanting to be a special snowflake. It is unfair that binary people who have the privilege of language being on their side (most of the time) try to police something that literally does not affect them. How does a non-binary person’s sexual orientation affect anyone other than themselves or their partner(s)? Also, I’d like to point out that a lot of the ways non-binary people behave and label themselves are in order to alleviate dysphoria so this can be a very sensitive topic. You do not have to agree with how someone labels themselves, but that does not change their label.